^_^

Jul. 19th, 2017 09:19 pm
3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR...

lol

^_^

Jul. 18th, 2017 08:32 pm
A man was injured in a duel during a duel would be investigated to see if his brains also had damage.
When they told him that, he responded "What! Why would you do that !? If I had had a brain I would not have done that duel!”

^_^

Jul. 17th, 2017 09:23 pm
Two boys bragging about their father.

- You know, my father can shave without taking his pipe out of his mouth

- Pfft, my dad, he can trim his toenails without pulling out his socks.

^_^

Jul. 13th, 2017 11:27 pm
Not the expected answer but 100% valid. :

Question :

How can an unboiled egg fall on a concrete floor without breaking?

Answer :

Simple, concrete floors don break easily.

^_^

Jul. 12th, 2017 09:35 pm
Not the expected answer but 100% valid. :

Question :

If 8 men work 10 hours to build a wall, how much time will it take 6 men to build the same wall?

Answer :

None at all, the wall is already build.

^_^

Jul. 11th, 2017 11:08 pm
Dangerous

Patient : Ha, the doctor, she will never succeed in getting me better. She forbade me all excitement. But every time she visits she wears another fancy dress . . .

^_^

Jul. 10th, 2017 11:34 pm
A parachutist jumps out of a plane but then notices that his main parachute refuses to open and his spare is stuck as well.

During his fall he meets another man going up, with torn and blackened clothes.

While passing he calls out “Do you know anything about parachutes?!”

“No,” the other one calls back, “and neither do I know shit about gas furnaces.”

^_^

Jul. 5th, 2017 09:39 pm
The minister of health care visits an mental clinic.During his visit he wants to call his staff but he cannot get a connection to London.

Frustrated he attack the receptionist and say “Do you know whi I am!”

“No I don't she answers unphased, “ But I know where you are.”

^_^

Jul. 3rd, 2017 11:10 pm
Well, I must say you haven't really changed eve after inheriting a million Euro.

Oh, but I did change. While I used to behave my self , ahum, indecent, I am eccentric now. And my jokes, that used to be 'ordinary' are now 'incredibly funny'.

^_^

Jun. 29th, 2017 08:59 pm
*sigh*

Last year my doctor put me on a diet, this year my accountant put me on a diet

^_^

Jun. 22nd, 2017 11:03 pm
The teacher had painstakingly the system of comparisons explained. He asked a few pupils.
Dave, give me the steps for Rich? Rich, richer, richest
Simon, happy? heu . . . Happy, happier, happiest
Billy, sick? heu . .. Sick, dead, buried.

O_O

Jun. 20th, 2017 09:23 pm
explosions an shots heard in Brussels, Central Station . . .

Breaking news on the radio, no one is sure what is happening yet.

Few direct reports. light explosions, non injured, perpetrator is shot by the military. Everything evacuated.

Perpetrator wearing something under his shirt. So no one goes near, explosion experts at the scene.

Radio is great, we get instant updates every few minutes. A few radio people were on their way home in the station, hence the fast news.

^_^

Jun. 15th, 2017 11:11 pm
Did you bring back lots of souvenirs from you vacation in France?

Oh, yes. We bought plenty of souvenirs. But my husband drank most of them on the way back.

^_^

Jun. 13th, 2017 10:41 pm
In an interim office

- I have already offered you 10 vacancies on buildingsites and nowhere have you taken the job!?

- Well, I can not help that! On each site I came there was a sign with "Forbidden to enter the construction site".

+_+

Jun. 8th, 2017 11:21 pm
Teambuilding afternoon.
yep a bit early this year.
With a lot of people being sore and uncomfortable tomorrow.
(me included)
Well with a busted foot, bruised and de-skinned shin, twisted knee and a massive sunburn that will be fun tomorrow.

^_^

Jun. 7th, 2017 10:04 pm
How do you like my new stage piece

Not bad but not very realistic

Howso?

Like, the woman in the play constantly asks her husband for money

Well, that is quite realistic isn’t it.

Yes that is, but she also gets it every time . . .

^_^

Jun. 6th, 2017 11:47 pm
Why do you never take some vacation? Jeb asks his colleague.
I cannot go away from work. Tom answers.
Why not? Can't the business mis you for even a couple of days?
Sure they can. But I don't want them to find out.

^_^

Jun. 1st, 2017 11:09 pm
Kobe returns from a pilgrimage from Lourdes.

On the airfield the duty officer asks whether he has something to declare.

“No,” Kobe answers, “I’ve nothing to declare.”

“Well, can you open that suitcase anyway,” the officer says smiling. He looks inside and lifts out a large bottle. “Hmm, what is in this he asks skeptical.”

“it’s holy water from the source in Lourdes” Kobe replies

The officer opens the bottle and smells at it. “Holy water you say” he remarks, “more like pure Gin.”

Kobe takes the bottle and smells it as well, after which he sinks to his knees , raises his arms and calls out “Thank you Holy Mother Maria! You did another miracle!”

^_^

May. 31st, 2017 09:16 pm
Life was easier before credit cards were invented. You didn't have to wait till the end of the month to see how poor you were.

^_^

May. 30th, 2017 10:57 pm
Urgent

In the local adds :
- lonely widow, small farm owner, agreeable of character, hard working and not unhandsome. Looks for a life partner that likes farming . If possible before harvest.

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