2017-09-20 09:00 pm

^_^

“Do ypu not know shame!” the thrifty old man says to the young beggar, “You are so young, you can work!”
“You misunderstood me sir,” the beggar says, “I did ask for money, not for advice.”
2017-09-19 11:16 pm

O_^

Better to talk the fool then do the stupid
2017-09-18 09:40 pm

^_^

At a traffic control a police offices checks out the tires on a car.

“Well, madam, your profiles aren't very good” he notes down.

Pissed off the woman retorts “Well your profile isn’t any good either!”
2017-09-14 11:06 pm

^_^

Anita “How can you stay so calm when your husband is angry raging against you?”

Julia “Oh, I have a good trick to get rid of the frustration. I go clean the toilet.”

Anita “Clean the toilet!? But that doesn’t make sense.”

Julia “Oh but it does, it’s so satisfying to clean using his toothbrush.”
2017-09-12 09:24 pm

^_^

"Waiter!" a customer calls out "there is a fly in my soup!"
"Hush, not so loud." the waiter replies while rushing in. "we won't charge extra."
"What the . . ." the man sputters
"No, really, we won't" the waiter quietly replies, "but please keep it quiet or the other customers want the extra protein as well."
2017-09-11 08:31 pm

^_^

A cyclist arrives at the finish-line well before the rest of the pack.

With people all around cheering and applauding rushing to greet the winner.

“People, people, please” the cyclist fends them off, “you are mistaken”

“How so, you just finished the race first” they insist.

“No, no”, he explains, “I am not the first of this year’s race, I am the last from from last year’s race.”
2017-09-07 09:47 pm

^_^

Teacher : "Bieke, how old is your dad?"
Bieke : "He is 35. ... I think"
Teacher : 'Ha, so. I'll have to change your homework to fit in better with his skill level.'
2017-09-06 10:46 pm

^_^

Saturday afternoon. All the guests are in church for the marriage. The bride is pacing up and down in front of the altar. looking back at the door whether the groom comes in or not. The priest gets nervous as well, he’s got to prepare for a funeral later.

“Where is he hanging out?!” he asks.

“He should be here,” the bride sighs. Slightly agitated she adds “but I suspect he actually did get tickets for that football match!”
2017-09-05 11:11 pm

^_^

A dumb blond and a brunette walk along the street

"Look there, the brunette says, "a dead bird."

The blond one looks up quickly and asks "Where?"
2017-09-04 10:45 pm

^_^

A Dutchman walks into a shop and asks for 4 broken light bulbs.

"What do you want to do with lamps that don't work?" the shopkeeper asks

"Well, I want to develop my photographs and I need a 'dark room' for that."
2017-08-31 08:22 pm

^_^

She : Scientist say the average person says about 10.000 words per day.

He : Another statistic where you are above average Dear.
2017-08-29 11:20 pm

-_-

First -short and slow- run since I damaged my knee in June.
No problem apart from being out of shape. And it being waaaaaay to hot. And having some inflammation in a toe. And . . .
Well, everything else was good ;-)
2017-08-28 09:52 pm

^_^

Optimism

Dutch uncle Joop has gone on a holiday in Italy for the first time in his life. He stayed in Venice for a few days. Upon his returns he tells stories. Very impressed about Venice.

- And optimistic they are there. Fantastic. Everything was under water and they still kept singing.
2017-08-24 11:14 pm

^_^

Economics.

- Hello Guido. How comes you ask 50c for a herring, while in the other shop they only ask 30c per herring?

- Well, then you should buy them there.

- Yes, I would but they don't have any left.

- OK, good. The moment I am sold out I will lower my price to 30c as well.
2017-08-21 10:44 pm

^_^

Riddle



Jen : How can you catch an elephant with just one hand

Tim : You cannot, elephants with one hand don’t exist.
2017-08-20 10:51 am

Computers are weird animals.

I used to have a netbook (Acer Revo) as my 'main' computer at home. Main as in mail en internet stuff. Main in the sense that I did not try out new soft/hardware on it. It was hooked up to a 19 inch Medion screen.
My second computer, (10x modified Medion, last with an AMD quadcore chip etc) for experimentations was hooked up to another 19 inch medion screen.
Now I switched my Main system over to another one, a small form desktop from Packard Bell) Hooked up to the old 19 inch screen.
The box has a VGA and a HDMI connector, the screens have a VGA en DVI connection so I thought I could hook both displays up on the computer.

No luck with that. The VGA to VGA worked. The VGA to HDMI via a converter worked. The HDMI to VGA worked (with converter) and the HDMI to DVI (with converter worked. But never both VGA and HDMI at the same time worked.
But neither did that work with the Revo (which also has VGA and HDMI).
So I thought is was a lost case.

But then I mislaid my HDMI cable, it's probably hiding on the attic somewhere, and I wanted to try linking my work notebook to a screen. So I bought a new HDMI cable. You may guess when I found the old one again . . .

And that worked with the notebook.
And while it was plugged into the screen tried it on the Packard Bell.
And it works.

So I finally have a twin-screen setup.

There are still some setup things to change. Like when I move my mouse slowly it doesn't cross over to the other screen but if I move fast to does. As is there is a gap to jump.
2017-08-10 11:01 pm

^_^

Ethics



-Dad, Ethics . . . what is that?

-Well . . . difficult question. But I will answer it with an example.

Suppose one of our clients owes us a big sum of money. So I go over to him to get it. Just forgetfulness so he pays up instantly, no problems.

Back home I count the money and notice he payed 500€ to much . . .

You know Uncle Remi and I are partners, we share everything in the business.

-Yes. . .

-Well here Ethics begin. What to do with the extra money? Should I share it with Remi or not?
2017-08-09 11:27 pm

^_^

John had spent two of his 3 weeks holiday in a small quiet village in the Ardennes while his wife stayed at home, when he manages to haul in his first real catch. He immediately sends a triumphant SMS to his wife.

- I got one! A perfect beauty, it weighs about 8 pounds! I'll have it cleaned and bring it home on Saturday.

Very early the next morning he receives an SMS reply from his wife.

- I got one! A perfect beauty, he weighs 7 pounds, and looks like you. Come home immediately.
2017-08-08 09:22 pm

^_^

Bram works in the Merchant Navy. He is often away from home for months on end. He gets a concerned letter from his wife from his home port. She is worried about what he does when he is in some foreign harbor

He sends a letter back : “dear Karina, You are worried about me when I do get in a harbor. But try to imagine how worried I am, You are always in a harbor.”
2017-08-07 10:59 pm

^_^

Oh dear, oh dear! My hair is all getting grey. Is hair paint dangerous?

You bet it is. Very dangerous. I had a friend who decided to use it on his hair. Three months later . . . he was married ! ! ! !