sjonsvenson

- What a crazy habit is that, carrying a rabbit-foot with you all the time.
- But. It brings luck.
- Oh? So? Have you actually had luck because of it?
- Sure did. See, the other day my wife wanted to check my coat pockets. But then she thought there was a mouse in there and left it un-searched.

Two astronauts go up to a satellite for repairs and upgrades. Once they are up, geostationary, ready to get closer to the satellite one of the two goes out for a spacewalk checking the tools.
When finished he returns to the lock and knocks on the door.
"Who's there?2 the other astronaut calls out.

It's well past midnight when Dorus comes home. He pulls off his shoes and sneaks upstairs. But the stair creaks so when he reaches the top his wife is awake and asks.
- "Dorus? Is that you?"
- "Of course. Do other men come up here maybe?" he replies with a sigh.

Doc1. : "Well, colleague, you have to tell me, please, why you always ask you patients what they eat. Does it help you making your diagnosis?"
Doc2. : "The diagnosis? Oh no. Not at all. But it does help making up the bill."

An irate customer calls a waiter.
- Scandalous! There Is A Fly In My Soup!
The waiter looks and calmly replies
- Don't worry, Sir, that spider on your spoon sill take care of it and eat it.

Student: "Do you have to read everything that appears in your newspaper?"
Editor : "Yes, I have to read and check everything."
Student: "Wow, that must be hard."
Editor : Nah, the hard part is that I also must read everything that does not appear in the newspaper."

"We know that the brains of men are, on average, bigger than those of women." the biology teacher says. "What can we conclude from that?"
"That quantity is not very important." Lisa answers quickly.

A cannibal mother and her kid are walking trough the Indonesian jungle when they hear a loud band and see an airplane crash into a hillside.
"Mom, what was that?" the frightened kid asks.
"Nah, nothing special" she reassures, "just an airplane that crashed. Let's go look."
"An aireplene? What is that?"
"Well, it a bit like a flying lobster. The shell is thick and hard with sharp edges but the inside is nice and very tasty."

At a party the host woman welcomes a famed politician who only just moved into town.
- Oh, I have heard a lot about you. she opens a conversation amicably.
- Oh, that's possible, he kindly replies, but you cannot prove anything.

"-Nah, you don't have to look so sad", the prison ward tells a prisoner reasuringly, "A life sentence doesn't last that long. See, maybe you die next week and your out of here pretty fast."